hi again!

one thing that is important to know about me: greta gerwig’s Lady Bird (2019) will forever be my favorite movie of all time. it was the first film i ever saw that i really felt understood by, like maybe i had a place in all of this mess. Lady Bird came to me at a time when i needed it most. i wasn’t yet watching films and appreciating them as an art form, so it swept me off my feet in more ways than one. the first time i saw it, i was still living with my parents in austin and about to leave for college in new york city. i felt so seen by her desperation to leave, to go somewhere new, and how in the meantime she wanted to be someone new, too. her constant struggle within and against herself, which often resulted in her lashing out at others without meaning to, forced me to confront my own flaws. arguably the most important aspect of the film, the mother-daughter relationship, rang true to me, too. my mom and i have always had a complex relationship. as lady bird’s dad (and my own father) says, we both have very strong personalities. 

recently, i was able to watch it in a theater (<3) in brooklyn, and i’ve just graduated from college with a degree in film. at the time i rewatched it on the big screen, i was even still living in new york. i’ve done a lot of work, written poems and scripts and stories and plays about mothers and daughters. i have been able to understand my mother better through the lens of her own mother, and as a daughter herself. seeing your mom as a person is a very strange feeling, and it often takes a lot longer to realize that than you would think. there is something really special about being able to finally see through your mother’s eyes after a lifetime of not being able to understand her. i love the way this is depicted with the phone call; “did you feel emotional the first time that you drove in sacramento?” at the end of the film, christine comes to an understanding of the way her mom saw the city, from the driver’s seat.

i’m glad that my relationship with my mother is generally less tense now. we treat each other better, have developed ways to communicate. 2020 was incredibly difficult, i felt right back where i started. the same arguments and outbursts and words that cut like knives that i remembered from high school. i will always deeply understand lady bird and her desperation to feel seen and liked and loved by her mother. the look in her eyes as she silently pleads her mother to accept her outside of the dressing room in the thrift store is memorialized in my brain forever. my mom and i love each other a lot, but oftentimes when she is frustrated by my self-sabotaging or other negative tendencies, she takes it out on me. it comes from a place of love, it always, always does. the film shows this well, too.

marion: “i just want you to be the very best version of yourself that you can be”
lady bird: “what if this is the best version?”

now as i write this, i am back in austin again. living in my childhood bedroom. this part isn’t a scene from Lady Bird, and quite honestly, not something i ever really imagined for myself. but after finishing school in new york, with no job prospects and a lack of connection, i had no choice but to move back. it’s hard not to feel like i’ve regressed, even though i have changed so much over the last four years. i’m not the angsty, argumentative, desperate teenager that i once was. but i feel like perhaps my deep, deep desire to leave this place and head for the city is exactly why i needed to come back. maybe in christine’s sequel, she’s living a similar life. after graduating from barnard, things in new york start to fall apart, and she’s forced to come back and reconcile with her adolescence. 

i know that i’m lucky that my adolescent struggles can primarily be summed up by a deep desire to move to a different city, feeling different and strange and out of place in school, and maintaining a tense and occasionally explosive relationship with a mother who loved me in a way that could hurt. i’m lucky that while i did struggle with my mental health for many years, i did not have many of the hardships and difficulties that others have had to deal with. there are many more deeply interesting and vibrant and beautiful coming of age stories from people who had to overcome many, many, many more obstacles than i.

however, this is my life. lady bird is so special to me because she feels like me. she’s also a lot of other people i’m sure, but she’s me. greta gerwig has given me an unbelievable gift with this film, one that will never lose its impact on me (judging by the fact that i weep through the entire runtime). lady bird, the movie and the character, are the reason i’m where i am today, in the most honest sense of the words. Lady Bird opened up an entire world of film that has completely changed my life and that i’ve dedicated the rest of my life to pursuing. it was my love for the film that got me interested in writing about or analyzing film at all, which made me seek out so many more incredible movies. and it was watching Little Women (2019), between greta’s writing and directing and saoirse’s portrayal of jo, that made me feel like i could maybe have a place in filmmaking and creating art in a way that i hadn’t let myself consider since i was a young and naive child.

Lady Bird’s ability to enter a teenage psyche and truly encapsulate the absolute beauty and misery of those years of life is nothing short of magical. it drew me to it, and keeps me coming back and appreciating it even more every time. the level of discomfort in so many of the scenes, when lady bird very clearly doesn’t know how to act but desperately wants to act in such a way that will make people like her, as she tries to say something charming but every sentence seems to come out wrong.. “well i hope not or i’d fucking kill your family,” it feels like i’m experiencing my own embarrassing moments all over again. between the gentle mundanity of the film, and the relatively low stakes that are so, so, high to lady bird and lady bird only, it’s all so beautifully crafted and reveals so much about the inner life of a teenage girl.

i absolutely love this film, i love lady bird as a character, i love the dynamics between her and her mother, her and her best friend Julie, her and her “love” interests, her and her father; all of it is so captivating and comes from a place that feels natural and honest. not to mention, it’s beautifully shot, with gorgeous cinematography and framing that does such a good job of showing how small lady bird feels at times, or how suffocated she is by her surroundings. as she grows to love her hometown while hating it, and escape it only to realize she left a big part of herself behind, i feel like even in my own personal hard times, i’m able to appreciate every facet of the places i’m in and the people i’m with. the way Lady Bird makes me feel is a way that i hope every single person is able to feel, with any movie really. films are supposed to transport us. i don’t believe film is inherently a medium with the sole goal of entertainment, but i do believe that their importance is to communicate something. i find it beautiful that i can be equally transported and also ripped open and examined from the inside simultaneously. that level of emotional vulnerability, while creating a brand new world that is interesting enough to travel to, is just greta gerwig’s magic touch. i will always be thankful for her, and thankful for Lady Bird (2019).

thank you for reading if you made it this far! ❤ means the world. i invite you to think about the films you’ve seen and remember if you have seen one (or a few, frankly i have many) that changed you, or made you see yourself or something in your life in a whole new light. cinema is really such a magical place (nicole kidman didn’t lie in her amc ad) and i would love to hear what has impacted other people, maybe even in a way that they can’t fully articulate.

i hope wherever you are, whoever you are, you’re having as pleasant of a day as you possibly can under the circumstances. and i hope it only goes up from here. 

all my love xx
kendall